New Year's Eve Eve ...

We decided to go to the grave today, because it's supposed to be COLD tomorrow. Today it was nearly 50, but oh my goodness, it was windy and so that made it COLD. Just like I did for Christmas I bought balloons. This time I made sure they tied the balloons tight. Unfortunately, because it was so windy and the grass is so dead and hard two of the latex ballons popped before we left. We did confetti poppers and throw glittery confetti. It felt so right, to "party" there. I wish I would have gotten noise makers, though. Next year for sure.
I was hoping her gravestone would have been there. They said it takes 2 months and today is barely 4 weeks. But I was hopeful. It should be there for Valentine's. I can't wait to see it.
Happy New Year's Mom. You're missed!!

One month ...

It's been one month today. This day was harder for me to get through than Christmas. I feel so lonely, so empty. My best friend is gone from this earth.

I miss you mom.

Mickey Tree ...

We went out to the grave this afternoon. It's been the first time we've been out there since the day of the funeral. I had gotten a balloon bouquet but the person at Zurcher's failed to tie the balloons to the weight properly and they blew away before I could get a picture. We all watched as the balloons got smaller and smaller, and hopefully closer and closer to my mom. The Mickey tree is teeny tiny. Only a foot tall. But it's so darling, and so my mom. I am going to go back on Monday morning to get it and use it again next year. I hope no one walks away with it. Since it's Christmas Eve and the grave is so far from the road I don't think many people will see it's cuteness and swipe. At least I hope not.
Tomorrow will be the first holiday without my mom. None of us have really been in much of a festive mood. I just want it to be done with. If we didn't even have the yearly family gathering at my Gram's house I would be fine, I wouldn't care. I hope the day goes by fast.

Engagement ...

Jordan got engaged today. I don't even know the girl. The first time I even saw here was the night of my mom's viewing. Don't know what to think. I just want Jordan to be happy, but I don't want him rushing into something he'll regret.

If the wedding does happen it'll be the first of my mom's grandchildren ... she'll never physically be at any of the grandchildren's weddings. That makes me so sad.

I miss her. So much.

Carrying on without mom ...

This evening we went to Winder Dairy for scones and chocolate milk. Then we went looking at lights afterwards. It was sad not having my mom there. She was missed. We talked about her, remembering years past. I hope we can always include this tradition into our future Christmas activites.

Last night my Gram, Alli and I went to Thanksgiving point to see the lights there. It's a drive thru display, and we all enjoyed it. But we all talked about how it doesn't seem like Christmas, simply because none of us are really in the mood. I hope next year will be different.

Will blog soon

Time to prepare ...

I was somewhat involved in preparing and planning my grandpa Gillespie's funeral. But my mom's ... my sister and me being the ones to make the ultimate decisions, it was hard. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted to make sure everything my mom had told me she wanted was being done. The tulips, the music, the flowers. In the end I think it turned out wonderful. I would have liked to have released butterflies at the graveside services but it was too cold. So, one day this summer I will do that. The weather was nice, it was cold, but no rain or snow or blowing wind.

The gravestone that we ordered is going to be nice, we included a tulip, a butterfly, and the SL LDS temple on it.

I know I am going to be spending a lot of time out there. Every holiday, birthday, special event I will be there making sure she is celebrating too. All of our special occasions included her, and now that she won't be here physically ... well, I will take some of it to her. I know she will like that, and it will help with the healing process, I think. At least for me it will.

You can never prepare for this day ...

Yesterday my mom passed away. Diagnosed with breast cancer in 1989, at the age of 40, my mom put up a fight like no other. She took on more obstacles than anyone I've known, myself included, and she did it with grace.

This last year we've been preparing for it to be our last year with her, as her doctors told us her time is nearing. At points throughout the year we did prepare, at other points we brushed it off as if she'd be here the next year, and so be it. For example ... this years Race For The Cure I skipped, saying there's next year. And we usually always go to the canyon for the 24th of July, not this year, again we said, next year. Can I kick myself? Of cource. But we had many many things that we did, and we did them with the little thought that it may be our last. But seriously ... who ever really knows what "the last" will be? No one.

The weeks leading up to my mom's passing was hard to witness. She was uncomfortable, we were uncomfortable, there were little family tiffs. It was sad. And looking back I wish I would have done things differently, or not at all. But I don't beat myself up for it, except for one thing, which I will keep to myself until I die. It didn't involve anyone but myself and my mom, so it will stay between us.

The days leading up to her passing were extremely hard. Her breathing was labored. She was uncomfortable all the time, no matter what we did.

The day she passed was the hardest of all. She could hardly talk, she could hardly keep her eyes open. My nephew had taken my camera and hid it, out of complete ignorance and spite, so I spent about 30 minutes trying to locate it. Thirty minutes that I could have spend with my mom. I finally found the camera and my mom passed within 15 minutes. The whole situation angered me. I was in the room when she passed, but had I been 30 seconds later I wouldn't have been. I stood at the foot of her bed, and when I looked up at her I could tell she was taking her last breath. I ran to her side, grabbed her hand and head and told her it was time to go be with grandpa. My grandma and aunt were with me and they both started saying "no, no, no." But I knew she was gone. I called my son, who was just downstairs and told him to get upstairs now. After that I called my dad and cried hysterically to him for a few minutes. Then hung up and called my nieces and newphews (and sister), who all came over within a few minutes. We all were in the room with her body just talking. She didn't look that bad, but she looked dead, and that was kind of scary. We all stayed in the room with her until the hospice nurses came to clean her up. Once they did that they let us back in to say our goodbyes. Then the funeral director, who was my moms old bishop, came and took her. When everyone left it didn't feel real, like I was walking thru a dream or something. In fact, the next week felt like a dream really.